I had promised myself, at the beginning of the year, that I would be nice. Nice to myself and nice to people around me. I told myself that I would reward myself with more more than 5 hours of sleep, yoghurt every week, fruit everyday, more vegetables on my plate and time to write.
For a time, when I could not find the inspiration or time to write. I lied to myself and said that I did not like writing anymore; at least not as much as I had before. In fact, I convinced myself that I did not really like writing, that it had been a phase, a mad rush of energy. And that now, I was spent and unfeeling of the urge to express my thoughts and self in words.
Yesterday, when I was in the office almost half an hour before time, I found myself with a tingling desire to type something. Once I started, I could hardly stop to collect the sight of clients walking into the office and my colleagues saying ‘Good morning’. I was writing again and it felt like the beautiful relief that can only be compared to resolving a deep issue with a loved one or going to the bathroom after having to ‘hold it in’ for way too long.
Now I know that what I had been feeling was tired. Tired of the pressure to beat deadlines and deliver results at the office. Tired because of the emotional strain that comes with no longer being your mother’s little girl who’s still at home. Tired of the distance from the man you love whose touch you have almost forgotten. Tired from the routine of waking up earlier than you’d like and never really sleeping enough. Tired of how quickly the weekend passes and how little of it is enjoyed. Tired of feeling trapped in a situation you wish you could change but don’t really know how to. Tired of brutal hope.
However, this story actually has a happy ending. I am still learning to be nicer to myself. I stopped skipping lunch, eat more fruit, listen to music, speak my mind sometimes, keep hope alive and say it when I am down – or tired. The highlight must be couple therapy for mother dearest and myself – where it’s just us two and our words and feelings.Embracing confrontation will come gradually, but I have refused to remain rooted in one spot. I refuse to simply remain tired and do nothing about it all the time.