So something happened today that made me think seriously about a few personal choices I have made in the past and present and how they have affected the way I think.
A couple of months ago – several months so far back that it was at the beginning of this year – I made some emotional decisions. In all honestly, I had decided in campus to start learning how to compartmentalize situations and not just a few months ago, but stay with me. I learned how to justify actions apart from their actors and participants. It was really a survival tactic at the time and it helped keep me alive – safe from premature blood pressure issues and panic attacks. I have suffered from the latter before and I cannot begin to describe what it’s like to need to breathe but be unable to suck in air (and thus perform the action that is breathing). Truth is, nobody likes to feel that they suck – or fall short. We all know that we are far less than perfect at many things, yet it doesn’t make the realization any easier to swallow. Lord help you if you are actually good at appearing to be good at things or knowledgeable and it comes to light that you are a mere mortal!
Long story short, I met someone from my old past who made me consider my new way of thinking a whole lot. Look, I don’t like to be vulnerable or small or needy. Yet visiting a new continent where you hardly understand what is said around you and the weather is not as warm and the people look and behave differently from you, it all makes you desperate to be around that which is familiar irrespective of how much better the transport system and healthcare and living conditions are. I got homesick as soon as I landed in Europe. So I decided to have a good time and not overthink anything. The first past went pretty darn well. The second, not so much.
The thing about putting things away in boxes, at least in my personal experience, is that they can really screw you up in the head. I have the bad habit of being both forward and rather weird about saying what I want or need. And it’s funny and not funny at the same time. I have the capacity to completely shut things and people out and the capacity to accommodate people’s flaws. Well, I did.
My old associate opened my mind to the realization that I don’t really have life figured out; and that I have, for a long time, assumed that I did have it all figured out. And it’s not just about realizing that I don’t have a manual for men or the power to keep old insecurities at bay or picking up in a relationship from where I left off. It has a lot more to do with what I must think of myself when I behave the way I do. I have been (maybe) a little harsh with myself. I have also been brutal with people. And sometimes I have thought that these people were deserving of the fire I brought them under, but I’m starting to think that that also reflects on the dark spot in my soul which I have had not trouble co-existing with for a couple of years now. I cannot say it enough, but I really don’t like change because with the newness of things comes the need to need. The need to learn and grow and improve. And the improvement is awesome, but the need is another story. One of my best friends pointed out just last week that I have started t realize that I am not made of steel. It’s true. And my boxes need to come open. I need to become more human and make peace with some of my decisions. Introspective thinking is hard because it is painful, but good things come from such reflective thinking. I simply want to be free.
I probably don’t make much sense right now, but that’s okay. I need to know that I do not have it all figured out or planned out. I need to appreciate that I am missing something and that my lack makes me a flawed human being. I also need to start thinking that it’s okay to not be okay without obsessing on how messy I feel inside.
I am in repair. John Mayer gets it. So does Hazel Grace in The Fault in our Stars. Right now, I’m glad that someone out there gets it and that I can start being alright with myself; irrespective of my stupidity, treachery, conniving and cluelessness.
Eventually, I will be okay. And this time I refuse to rush the process.