Foreboding

😦

I cleared out my desk at the office today. And I don’t just mean cleaning up. I mean I packed my stuff and left just enough to carry comfortable in a handbag should I receive confirmation that my company is closing shop.

About two weeks ago, I was in the kitchen when a client stated how unfortunate it is that the business centre is closing down. Shocked, I pretended to have known my director’s plans and proceeded to promise to help with the move the best way I could. I started feeling unmotivated about going to work. Then I wanted to be at the office all the time. Then I sent an email asking for a confirmation and something solid to report back to my clients who had started to ask about the notice period.

I like to be control. All the time except for when, say, I am in the arms of a lover. So when control is taken from me, especially when I think I deserve it, I lose it. So this is the story of my life. Sending out job applications and looking for inspiration online. That and dancing so hard on the weekend I can actually sleep when I get home – hopefully without being able to think or feel anything other than fatigued on the ride home. And overstaying my welcome at friends’ places, all the while impressing them with my cooking and cleaning so they’ll be okay with having me around so long.

Now, the internet does not forget. And there’s this thing called “due diligence”. Where your future employer’s HR looks through your public history to determine employee risk, etc. I should care. Because I plan on remaining employed for a while. Yet here we are. And I promised myself that I would stop putting up a strong front.

I feel bad and I’m sharing this with people the universe has brought my way. Because one of the things that helps me get through a bad feeling or experience is the knowledge that I am not going through this alone.

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